Ranting by Dolomite
Hello loyal readers. I kow that I have not had many cool or interesting
stories lately, but I have my reasons. The biggest of these reasons is school. I am nearly a college grad and I have no direction in my life accept to face the next day. Not exactly the best mindset for any truly great future save a
winning lotto ticket or a sugar mamma. As much as I would like to place my
faith into either of those two things happening, I better come up with a choice C, just in case. It is for this third choice that one of my college classes is actually coming in handy. It is a senior seminar class for my major (political science for those of you that do not know). The assignment was to write an obituary of ourselves. This exercise was meant to give us some insight into what we want to accomplish with our lives. I came up with a decent obituary (I did become President of this great country), but there were some things I had to let out. So, for this month's Ranting column, I present the top ten cuts made to the final obituary.
1. When I become President, I will increase our national park space by taking over Canada. That's right, Canada will be ours. What are the crazy Canucks' going to do abut it? Send out their tank to fight our bombers? Maybe send the Mounties to fight off our Marines? Play us in hockey? Canada is about to become the 51st state.
2. As President, I will promise the American public to not have any sexual relations with any interns or secretaries of any sort while within the White House or outside of the White House. There can only be one Bill Clinton. Besides, who has time for quiet or inexperienced interns when there are strippers, pornostars, and Playboy Bunnies in the world?
3. The death penalty, as it currently is, will be abolished. In its place will be gladiator games. The Death Row inmates will fight each other, as well as animals, robots, and professional soldiers, in a televised arena. Best of all, the proceeds from the pay-per-view extravaganza will be split between victim's families (if there are any) and a fund to cut taxes. Bloody violence and lower taxes courtesy of hardened criminals. And we thought they could only make our license plates.
4. I will someday write, produce, and direct the greatest porno ever made. I do not know what the exact script will be or who will be doing who, but I can promise that I will not, repeat not, star in the feature. For the sake of others, my naked ass will not be caught on film. For the sake of myself, I will personally "audition" every prospective starlet for this movie.
5. Turn signals will become an automatic feature on all cars. I am just sick and tired of Erie drivers that assume that everyone else has ESP and knows that they are turning one way or another. Apparently it is too difficult to turn on little lever here or there to indicate the direction of your fucking car!
6. It will be made illegal for Freddie Prinz Jr. to be in any movie ever again with two conditions. The first condition is that he is to die within the first ten minutes of the film (fifteen if it is a foriegn film). The second condition is that the first condition refers to him, not just his character. He is lucky to still be breathing after the release of Scooby Doo.
7. I will become the first man to ever win both the Super Bowl and a major political office in the same year. When I talk about major, I mean something like Senator or President. Maybe governor, if that state has a pro football team. Let's face it, no one ever really remembers the guy that got both a Superbowl ring and the job as county dog catcher in the same year.
8. All international disputes will be settled in the sport of beer pong. It will be a team sport (two against two) and will hold the best of three games. All countries except anyone in Eastern Europe will drink the beer of their choice. All Eastern European countries will use vodka, because that just evens the playing field. Pregaming will be allowed and encouraged. International referees will be present for the sake of fairness.
9. McDonald's restaurants will begin to have a delivery service in place by 2020. By that year, all major McDonald's restaurants will provide a delivery service within a designated square area, much like a pizza delivery service. The food will cost extra, but who really cares about that when you are drunk and hungry.
10. A stripper Hall of Fame will be built within the city limits of Las Vegas, Nevada. The building will include a small strip club and a casino. Pictures of the strippers in their heyday will be posted throughout the building. Blowup dolls of the strippers will be available in the gift shop.
Those were the top ten edits made to my self obituary. Many may seem silly, but they are items that I would like to either see or do before I die. All ten of these were cut due to my growing need for an A in the class from my conservative teacher. Fucking republicans have no idea how to have fun.
Dolomite
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Subject: Dolomite
Name: Unknown at present
E-mail: BKDolo10@aol.com
Age: CXXVI in dog years
Turn-Ons: Porn, Humor and good food
Turn-Offs: Bad Taste, Religious fanatics that go door-to-door, Idiots, Jerks, Prejudice (except against Catholics and the French)
Plans for Future: Become President, breed either flying cat or walking bat (bat + cat somehow), play golf drunk, masturbation |
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